An interesting title for a blog, me thinks!
A wobble for me is when I feel off balance mentally and emotionally. For those of you who already know me, you know that this is quite a frequent occurrence! Sometimes a wobble also becomes a big meltdown!
Wobbles happen even when I am in a “happy place” as they are so often out of my control, well at least initially anyway. A happy place is an actual location, who I am with and how I am feeling in that moment. Unfortunately those demons, triggers and sub-conscious mind antics have other ideas! Someone may say something, I hear a song, I have a flashback or get frustrated with something which evolves into me being angry with myself with a huge dose of self-deprecation thrown in for good measure!
People see me with my mask on; the Nici who is smiling, being loud (by the way, that is because my hearing is bad and I don’t do anything about it, as hearing aids frustrate the hell out of me), crazy, faffing and hyper-active; this is by no means an exhaustive list. What isn’t seen is that inside I am in tumult and bottle it up, most of the time anyway!
Ideally I recognise that things are going astray and remove myself from a situation, or at least distract myself somehow if it is not possible to physically remove myself! Of course, running is my best fix, though if things become particularly challenging I am unable to go outside as do not trust myself! Running is my headspace, a great endorphin fix and physically very energising too! Talking is good too, but I try to limit how much I bore and burden people with my woes, as I don’t want to alienate everyone from my life, as I am fully aware that friendships expire sometimes!
I don’t do anything in small measure, and I am very much an “all or nothing” person which is a very typical personality trait of an addict! I am also either very high or very low, and that is without any self medication nowadays, though of course chocolate and caffeine can affect the balance! So my latest fix is very much the extreme fix, by booking the World Cruise to remove myself, have some space away from everyone (that is tough as I miss my family and friends very much), so that I have a blank canvass to fix myself, without burdening them, or at least find some harmony and a plan to go forward with.
This plan is very much work in progress and I am trying to find my level, which I had hoped would have happened after two weeks away. I am impatient so I will just breath, be mindful and kind to everyone with whom I have the pleasure to interact with and see where that takes me.
Wobble fixing is also work in progress, all ideas gratefully received!
Watch this space for the next instalment!